🌱 Motherhood, the career pause… and a click | Lau

😵‍💫 Guilt, doubts and an emotional whirlwind

Until almost the second year of my second daughter’s life, I was still working… or at least trying to.

Carrying the guilt around, and with a constant feeling that I was not doing anything well.

On top of that there was something deeper: an enormous sense of depersonalisation. I asked myself over and over:

Why do I do what I do?

Does this make me happy?

Am I growing professionally?

Can you grow while being a mother? While being a present mother?

It was driving me mad.

🤝 A hard decision, but a necessary one

We decided — my husband and I — that I would not work until our youngest started P1. At that point, we could afford it, and it was the best thing for our family.

I never had, and still do not have, a nanny or outside help at home, apart from my parents.

And anyone with three children will know what it means to be “alone” at home with that picture.

An important detail I forgot to mention:

We are a family that, thank God, heaven or the universe (or whatever each person believes in), stays together and moves as one block.

A month after my husband and I came to Barcelona, my sister came too.

Three years later my parents and my brother arrived for good.

🧨 Years “not working”, but with my mind at its limit

During those years when I was not in paid work, I was looking after my 4- and 2-year-old daughters… and a newborn.

And that “not working” sank me mentally.

My mind could not allow itself to not produce, to not contribute. I went through what I now believe was undiagnosed depression, without medication. But I knew something was not right.

My self-esteem, what little was left of it, disappeared completely.

🤔 Wanting to go back… but how?

Little by little, I wanted to start feeling better. I set myself a clear goal:

“When my son starts P1, I am going to spend September to December getting back some of my freedom.

At least have the mornings for me, to do something for me. For my mental health.”

(“Freedom” in quotes, because the mental load and the housework never disappear… but at least I had a bit more space.)

🔍 The job hunt begins (spoiler: it was a nightmare)

In January I started looking for work.

With uncertainty. With no confidence. Carrying the weight of two years without working and a CV that largely embarrassed me, because I felt stuck and worthless.

And yes, I did a lot of interviews. And yes, I was rejected for being a mother.

Lines like:

“And how will you manage with three children?”
“Do you have someone to help you?”
“The hours at closing time are not flexible”
“Reduced hours are not possible”

And an endless list of things that prove that work-life balance does not exist.

That equality between men and women is not real.

(Maybe what damages us most as women is pretending that it is. But that is a whole other article.)

😞 A job with no responsibility… and no motivation

I ended up “forced” to accept a part-time, badly paid job, with zero chance of growth.

I say “forced” because:

I did not trust myself.
I felt I was not good enough for anything.
And when I did manage to get interviews with better conditions, they rejected me. (Because I could not offer total availability to be a slave to the job.)

⏪ I went backwards… a lot

At 37, I found myself working in worse conditions than when I was an intern at 23.

Worse salary, smaller role, less growth.

And once again, my head would not stop:

Is this the profession for me?

Is this what I want?

How do I reconcile my reality as a present mother with a career that motivates me?

How do I work at something I enjoy, that pays me well, and that lets me be there for and because of my children?

It seemed impossible.

The jobs I could get were more of the same:

Badly paid, no flexibility, no chance to grow.

💡 What if I change profession?

I had been thinking about a change for a while. But something always stopped me:

“I am too old to start from scratch.”
“I have no experience.”
“Being a junior again, starting from the bottom again…”
“What for? … when what I need is a better paid job and that is it”

And on top of that, I could not find a profession that really fitted me, and every time I faced the job hunt my mind would not stop punishing me and thinking over and over that I was worth nothing and that was why I could not get better conditions. I thought maybe I really was meant to spend my whole life in a badly paid part-time admin role, and I blamed myself a lot too for not being “happy” with a reality that many people would want.

💻 The click: code

One day something in my head clicked.

I said:

“I have to study code.

I need to bring myself up to date.

I need to stop being a digital novice.

I want to see if I like it. I want to understand.”

I started by watching free videos on YouTube. They interested me, but I did not understand a thing.

Second attempt: I bought a course on Udemy for €14.

I did not finish that one either. It frustrated me not to have a plan, a guide, a clear goal.

📚 So… I started looking at bootcamps.

I asked myself:

Are they necessary?
Are they a good option?

In the meantime, I kept watching videos.

I did not want to lose the momentum.

I kept testing the water:

“Is this the path?”

“Could I really enjoy this?”

(and that is where another chapter starts)